Executives

By Molly Triffin and Holly Eagleson

Google-Earthing his house. Mentally decorating the place you’re sure you are going to share one day, even though you’ve only been on a few dates. Feeling insanely jealous when he talks to a female friend. Any of these behaviors ring a bell? If so, congrats — it means you’ve probably been in love.

Most women find themselves acting a bit uncharacteristically cuckoo after they fall hard for a guy, and there’s a physiological reason why passion can have such a strange effect. “Being in love floods your system with mood-altering chemicals,” explains Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Why We Love. “These chemicals throw off your normal brain chemistry, tampering with your common sense and judgment.”

“It’s called falling in love for a reason — it comes upon us quickly and knocks us off our feet,” explains Pamela Regan, PhD, professor of psychology at California State University at Los Angeles. All the emotional tumult can trigger obsessive, impulsive actions, she adds.

And though the vast majority of women won’t do anything that’s dangerously off the wall, being in love has pushed some chicks over the edge when conditions were right. Cases in point: Lisa Nowak, the NASA astronaut who allegedly drove 900 miles this past February (reportedly wearing an adult diaper!) to attack a woman who was dating her ex. And a few months before, a young Belgian skydiver allegedly sabotaged her friend’s parachute after learning that the friend had had an affair with her boyfriend, ultimately leading to the friend’s death.

BIZARRO BEHAVIOR 1: You Get Stalkerish
When you’re head over heels, it’s normal to crave constant contact with your guy — so much so that when you’re physically apart, you become kind of a stalker-lite: You pepper him with texts, call repeatedly, even check his Facebook profile during downtime at work...despite the fact that you saw it an hour ago. You know it’s over the top, but you just can’t help yourself.

And you’re right: You can’t help yourself. “When you’re really into a guy, you experience a surge of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that stimulates the reward center of your brain and makes you crave your partner very bad,” says Fisher. “You get an intense rush of pleasure whenever you see or hear from him, and because of this, being with him becomes your primary goal, overriding everything else.”

Dopamine also activates your anterior cingulate, an area of the brain that helps you focus. As a result, you’re always thinking of ways to get close to him. It’s linked to our most basic evolutionary survival techniques. “The mental mechanism that alerts us when we need essentials, like food and water, also kicks into gear when we’re in love,” says Lucy Brown, PhD, professor of neuroscience at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. If you’re really thirsty, for example, getting water becomes your overriding goal. Romantic passion works the same way: All your energy is funneled into wanting your man, so it seems impossible to concentrate at work because your mind is always on him.

What makes a woman go from sane to psycho: If the man you’re wild about is mostly unavailable or plays mind games, you may develop what Fisher calls frustration attraction: He strings you along, which drives you to take increasingly extreme measures to connect with him. This anguish can cause some women to reach a breaking point. “Their impulse control goes by the wayside, and they may become true stalkers,” says Fisher.

1. He's extra helpful.
If your guy shows a sudden interest in doing dishes or picking out sheets at Bed, Bath & Beyond, he may be trying to prove he's husband material. "Before he pops the question, he'll subconsciously seek out ways to show off his domestic side," says Tamsen Fadal, co-author of Why Hasn't He Proposed? "He wants to make sure you see him as a partner who pulls his weight."

2. He talks himself up.
Even though you have a career of your own and can take care of yourself, most men still want to be on solid financial footing (good job, decent salary, clear credit) before getting engaged. "It's instinctual for men to want to provide for their partner," says Les Parrott, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Crazy Good Sex. "So they'll frequently point out their ability to do so in the weeks leading up to an engagement." That means he may brag a little about an accomplishment at work or casually hint that he's receiving a larger than usual bonus.

3. He acts like you just started dating.
Think back to the past few weeks. Has your guy been unusually attentive? Maybe he's brought you just-because flowers or taken you out on elaborate dates. "He's pulling out all the stops to make sure that when the time comes, you say yes," explains Fadal. Yeah, it's a tad sneaky, but he's also making those gestures because he's genuinely excited about the possibility of marrying you. "Planning a proposal reignites that new love buzz for a lot of men," says Parrott.

4. He quizzes you.
When it comes to the actual will-you-marry-me moment, most guys want it to be as personal and meaningful as possible. That may require digging up some little-known facts about you. If your boyfriend has been asking random questions about things like your favorite flower or a childhood memory, he may be gathering info that will help him plan the perfect proposal. "Not only does he want it to be special for you, but he knows all of your friends will ask, 'How did he do it?', and he wants you to have an amazing story to tell," says Parrott.

5. He's really concerned about the details.
On the big day, you can bet your guy will be ridiculously nervous. "Even if he's certain you'll say yes, he's still anxious about whether or not he'll be able to pull off whatever it is that he has planned," says Parrott. If he's typically laid-back but freaks out about being on time to dinner, or he's borderline aggressive when he insists you order the chocolate cake for dessert, it's possible he's got something sparkly up his sleeve ... or least in a little box in his pocket.

You get butterflies when you see him, your heart pounds if he calls, and kissing him literally causes goose bumps. With chemistry this amazing, you’d figure you’re destined to be together.

As it turns out, not necessarily. “We often mistake a strong physical connection as a sign that two people are meant for each other,” says Paul Dobransky, MD, founder of womenshappiness.com. Yes, chemistry is key to a lasting bond, but it isn’t the final word. Other factors should be considered too, and they take some sussing out. New findings describe the characteristics in a guy that actually predict relationship success, some of which you may be overlooking.

He Knows What He Wants
Any guy you’re serious about should be able to articulate his long-term goals and passions (sorry, fantasy football and Xbox don’t count). He can’t ally himself with you until he has a sense of how he envisions his life in the future...and how you fit in. “If a man has no idea what he wants to be when he ‘grows up,’ then it will be impossible for him to commit to you,” says Dobransky.

Don’t assume he’ll work things out, because when he does, you may realize his ambitions don’t mesh with yours. “This mistake has contributed to the starter-marriage phenomenon, in which couples in their 20s and 30s suddenly realize they’re going in different directions and divorce at an early age,” says Dobransky. “It’s preventable as long as you’re both clear about your plans.”

first glance, Chris Brown seemed like the last celeb capable of the charges brought against him recently. The rising young star's nice-guy image and affectionate exchanges with Rihanna are part of what makes this incident so shocking — and out of character. But according to Debbie Magids, PhD, "There are some major red flags that could foreshadow this kind of behavior." Below, the signs that a guy could become violent.

He's "too" nice
It's not human to be happy all the time. It's normal to feel — and to show — a gamut of emotions. The guy who puts on a facade of perfection is especially alarming because he can do an emotional 180 in a matter of seconds, and it can catch you off guard. Be wary if he appears unnaturally calm and in control of his emotions.

He doesn't take disappointment well
If your guy throws a tantrum every time things don't go his way, it could mean he never learned how to handle setbacks as a child. Does he punch walls, break things, or erupt in a fit of rage when he's met with a letdown? If so, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that he could turn those aggressions on you one day.

There's violence in his family
If your guy's past includes emotional or physical abuse, there is a very high chance he's hardwired to repeat those actions. While we don't want to unfairly brand every guy raised in an unstable home, it is cause for concern, especially if he exhibits any of these other behaviors.

There's violence in your family
People wind up together because they "fit" in some way. If you were abused once before, it isn't outside your reality to return to familiar territory, even if you know it isn't right. Take an honest look at your own past; If there wasn't physical abuse, maybe you dealt with emotional or verbal punches. Knowing that you may have a predisposition for violent guys could ensure that you don't end up with one.

When we found out that Tiger Woods has had affairs, it was hard not to wonder if he'd lost his mind. What reason could there be for him to risk losing his wife, the smoking-hot former model Elin Nordegren? Although we don't know the behind-the-scenes details of their marriage, infidelity experts say it's not surprising that guys like Tiger indulge in sideline action. As it turns out, the reasons guys are unfaithful are rarely about the sex itself, but because cheating fuels a deep psychological need. "Several factors make some men more likely to stray, even if they are dating or married to a beautiful woman," says Don-David Lusterman, PhD, author of Infidelity: A Survival Guide.

The first factor at work is the man's level of success. Guys in high-profile, powerful positions — such as celebrities, athletes, business executives, and politicians — often have a sense of superiority and entitlement. "These guys have achieved a certain status, and bedding several attractive women further reinforces it in their mind," says Lusterman. Moreover, these men are constantly on the road, away from their girlfriends and wives. At the same time, their prominence attracts a slew of hot chicks who offer no-strings-attached sex. "They may have a wonderful partner waiting at home, but the situation they're in, coupled with their role of pursuer, makes it that much easier to cheat," adds Lusterman.

But celebs aren't the only snakes. Plenty of regular guys are unfaithful too, especially when their backgrounds condone it. Many two-timers come from chauvinistic cultures or families where their fathers cheated. “There are internal blueprints (created by watching our parents) that make cheating more of an option for some guys,” according to Dr.Debbie Magids, author of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken. Also, men who were ignored as children often develop deep trust issues, which can make long-term relationships really difficult. “Chronic cheating is rooted in an emotional emptiness that can give people the need to feel constantly desired,” she says.

Then there are guys whose bad behavior is actually a mental disorder. Sex addicts, for example, are so enslaved to the rush of sexual activity that they have affairs, visit prostitutes, and consume porn. "Ironically, many of them have happy relationships and feel guilty for cheating, but they can't stop," says Lusterman. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder, on the other hand, can't resist the temptation because he is obsessed with being adored.

Guys who have such extreme compulsions need psychiatric help. But just because a guy fits some of the other categories doesn't mean he'll automatically cheat. "It's important to pay attention to the warning signs, but whether a man will stray or not boils down to his level of honesty within the relationship and his loyalty to you," says Lusterman.

When Tiger Woods's voicemail to his mistress was leaked, any doubt that he had been unfaithful to his wife, Elin, was immediately erased. But even if Tiger grovels for forgiveness, you can't blame Elin if she questions whether or not he can be faithful in the future. Will Tiger — and other cheaters — stray again? The answer may shock you...but makes total sense.

“A small number of men have an addiction to cheating — regardless of what their relationship is like,” says Don-David Lusterman, PhD, author of Infidelity: A Survival Guide. “But most men stray because something is lacking in their union, be it sex, attention, or even excitement.”

By the time a man cheats, his unhappiness has been building for a while. In fact, he may not even know how close he is to being tempted until presented with an opportunity. And whether he can be faithful after the fact really depends on how he and his partner deal with it together.

“If it’s your guy, you both need to address the root cause of the problem,” says Lusterman.

The key: Hit on what’s bugging him. “For many guys, the issue may be your sex life,” says Lusterman. “So learn to gauge each other’s contentedness.” Are you both satisfied? Are there any specific tensions? Are there issues you need to talk about? You can usually tell — if you look for it — whether he’s craving more. And if the issue is that he feels neglected, sticking by his side more often can help.

“Once he realizes that he no longer has to compete for your attention, he may be less likely to seek it from others,” says Douglas Weiss, PhD, author of Intimacy.

So here’s what we know: Some men are addicted to cheating. But mostly, men stray because something is wrong with their bond. Fix it and you significantly lower the odds of it happening again.

1. He’s superprotective of his gadgets. “The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,” says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.

2. He steps up the grooming. “This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,” says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He’s spending more time at the gym.

3. He smells different. “When he comes home, if he doesn’t smell the same as he did in the morning, and it isn’t the scent of soap in the gym or at your home, it may be because he’s showered at her place,” offers Vranich. So pay attention, because in this case, that old saying “the nose knows” might very well be true.

4. Nothing fazes him anymore. “If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,” Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”

5. He becomes suspicious of you. “If he’s normally a mellow type, all of a sudden he may want to know where you are all the time and with whom,” says Vranich. “It’s the result of him realizing that if he’s cheating and it’s not that hard, you might also be getting away with it.” Also, beware of extremely detailed responses to even your most innocent “How was work today?” queries. He may be preparing epic answers because he’s terrified of getting caught.

One caveat: If your sex life hasn’t fallen off, that’s no guarantee that he’s faithful. “It’s a serious mistake to think that affairs are necessarily sexual. He may just be unhappy in other parts of the relationship,” says Kirshenbaum. In fact, an illicit relationship could even stoke his lust for you.

You might think your date would be freaked if he knew you loved one particular thing to the point where you'd be happy to wear it, eat it, listen to it, or look at it every day, all day long — something that's so "you," it is you, like Blair Waldorf and headbands or Lady Gaga and not wearing pants.

But that's wrong. Guys find girls with healthy obsessions totally attractive. I'm not talking about a hobby; I mean a fixation that's completely unique. You see, indulging an obsession not only demonstrates that you have both passion and loyalty, but it also can serve as Cliffs Notes for your personality, clueing a guy in to the real you.

Loco for Coconuts

The first obsession I encountered involved coconut cream pie. A girl I dated for a year in Santa Fe, New Mexico, devoured the stuff. Blessed with a hummingbird's metabolism, this petite brunet would gobble that dessert anytime, anywhere, usually early in the morning at a diner located between her place and mine.

We'd pull over at Harry's Roadhouse, and it didn't matter that I thought the pie smelled like suntan lotion. While she dug into a slice the size of Delaware, we'd laugh and I'd pass the time taking cell phone pics of the whipped cream that hung from her nose like a stalactite.

In my mind, coconut cream pie became symbolic of what it was that I found so attractive about her: She was sweet and spontaneous, and she made any situation more fun just by being there.

Sneaker Addiction

Of course, some obsessions will make a guy turn and run, like a clown-mask fetish. But provided it isn't something scary, flaunting your one-of-a-kind passion is an easy way to lure in the right guy and keep the wrong guys — the ones who will never understand you anyway — from wasting your time.

I noticed my current girlfriend's obsession immediately. She was standing outside a bar, a striking blond dressed in sleek, stylish black clothes…and a pair of red low-top Converse. We started dating, and in the months since, those old-school sneakers have ended up on her feet way more often than her sexy heels have. At the beach, I was psyched to discover that she wears them with a Bond-girl gold bikini. I don't know much about fashion, but I'm pretty sure the slinky swimsuit and clunky sneakers clash so badly, even Halle Berry couldn't pull off that look.

But my girl does. Or I'd like to think she does. And those red Converse are a constant reminder that no matter how glamorous or flashy she may look from the ankles up, she's grounded and comfortable with who she is, and she doesn't waver when it comes to what she really loves…which I hope will someday include me.

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